[Man ]...to recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments.
And now an item of special note.
Barring any change in the weather,
the softball game between the 133rd and 4th infantry divisions...
will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park,
corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.
Please make a note of it. [ Clears Throat ] Excuse me.
Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains...
are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.
Lieutenant Schneer-- Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts...
to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones.
Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon...
operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam.
American personnel can check out a book in Ku Bai, Da Nang,
Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Wah and San Treng.
If you can't stop in and select your own books,
write to the H.S.A.S. Library.
Ask for the books by author, title and subject,
and your selections will be mailed to you.
With the holiday season rapidly approaching,
those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home--
wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States--
are asked to do so no later than August 13,
due to a yearly mail rush at that time.
- Don't disappoint your-- - [ Loud Static ]
[ Motor Roaring ]
[ Motor Shutting Down ]
[ Wheels Squeaking ]
[ Man Continues ] So take your liberties, but watch the liberties you take.
Lost luggage:
the Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience...
due to luggage lost on transport carriers.
Personal missing luggage-- that should be personnel missing luggage--
are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the Fifth.
The card should be no larger than four by five inches...
and should describe the contents of your duffel.
Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel as all duffels look alike.
Those personnel with lost bag--
[ All Chattering ]
- All right. - Hey, Sarge, where are the women?
- Airman Cronauer? - You got it.
[ Chuckles ] Welcome to Saigon, sir.
- Careful. You could put an eye out with that. - God, it's warm, huh?
Warm? No. This is a setting for London broil.
I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque Garlick at your service, sir.
First thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.
[ Giggles ] I like you already, sir.
Actually, what I am, sir, is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant who's in charge...
of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel, and company clerk.
Whew. I'm impressed.
- [ Laughs ] - [ Engine Cranks ]
- $ $ [ Perry Como On Radio ] - It's already started.
- I understand. - [ Nervous Giggle ]
Dream on
Little dreamer Dream on
Dream about a love so fine
Sweet as apple berry wine
Dream on
Little dreamer Dream on
[ Whistle Blowing ]
- [ Horns Honking ] - [ Man On Radio ] This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.
AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government...
and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540...
- at 7 49 megahertz. - Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit.
- And now AFRS is proud to bring you the following... - Not really.
See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves.
- by Mantovani. - Mantovani?
They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs.
The general likes easy listening. I'm really gonna have to inform you--
Mayday! Mayday! Dragon lady with incredible figure at eleven o'clock.
- Stop the car. - I can't do that, sir.
Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba.
I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again.
And now that I do, you won't even turn the car around? Thanks a lot.
- You have a very important meeting with the top brass. - Oh! There she is again!
- How'd she get ahead of us? - That's another person, sir.
Ah, she's beautiful and quick. Speed up. Check her stamina.
This is incredible! My God, they're quick. They're fast and small.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.
We got a new man comin' in.
- Don't you understand, Dick? - No, sir. Frankly, I do not understand.
Would you kindly lower your tone, please?
Yes, sir.
I run this show, General. If anything screws up, it's my ass in the morgue.
I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made.
Nobody's arguing that with you.
Look, I caught his show on the lsle of Crete, and this guy is funny.
I damn near busted a gut laughing at him.
And the troops, they love him.
This is a tempest in a teacup,
much ado about nothing.
For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.
Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay.
Sir, there is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now. Not in Saigon.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk is our immediate supervisor.
He's a little goofy, but he's okay.
Sergeant Major Dickerson-- [ Laughs ] That's another story altogether.
He was a commander of an elite special forces unit.
He came to us because of prostrate problems...
and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away.
Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that.
[ Giggling ] Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.
- Ed, are you always this happy? - Cronauer!
- Sir! - At ease. I'm General Taylor.
- Hiya, General. - A real pleasure.
Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me.
- I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here. - [ Laughs ]
- Garlick, have you put on some weight? - I don't think so, sir.
Why, son, the shadow of your ass'd weigh 20 pounds.
- [ Chuckling ] - I'll work on that, sir.
You're not supposed to address the general saying "hiya."
- What's that, a new rule? - No, an old rule.
- That's Lt. Hauk in there. - Who's the guy with the ears?
How're you doin'? He could fly to Guam with those.
Uh, Airman Cronauer, sir.
You know, i-it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.
- Sorry. - Thanks.
I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay,
and well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine.
Well-- Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby.
Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
- Really? - Yeah.
And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories... for fun.
Oh, why not? And maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.
- That'd be a hoot. - That's a joke, right? - Maybe.
- I get it. - Mm-hmm.
Where is this man's paperwork?
- Right here, Sergeant. - Thank you, sir.
United States Air Force. The hat does give you away.
This is not military issue, Airman. What sort of uniform is that?
Cretan camouflage.
If you want to blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothin' better.
That is humor. I recognize that.
I also recognize your species of soldier.
I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces.
But not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals.
- I hope-- - You shut your fuckin' hole!
You're in Southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment.
There's nothing I can do about that.
In time, you will make me forget it.
You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem.
But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad...
you'll wish you died as a child.
- Am I being fairly clear? - Yes, sir.
"Sir"? I work for a living, Airman.
You will address me as Sgt. Major Dickerson.
Yes, Sgt. Major Dickerson.
He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.
Hello, hello, hello.
This is your chaplain, Captain Noel,
your radio program of personal beliefs.
Great and manifold are our blessings today.
This great godly miracle of radio...
really gives me the opportunity...
to speak to you on the air!
Sir, it's time to rise.
My God, it's Mardi Gras, and I'm on the main float.
Come on, sir. A couple of weeks, this will be easy for you.
- Oh, let me go back to bed. - You gotta get up, sir.
God. What time is it, Edward?
- It's 5:30. - 5:30. It's very early.
I may have to hurt you. Call me in five minutes. Ohh!
No, you have to get up right now and you have to get on the air.
- Oh. Fine. - Come on, sir.
[ Man ]...has signed Les Crane to a late night talk show.
This way, sir. It's just down the hall and to the right.
- You must be nervous, sir. - I'm not even in my body, Edward.
Don't worry about it. It'll go great. This way, sir.
We still have a few minutes before your show begins, sir.
When it's time to read the news, you just take it off these machines here.
But regardless of what you read, Airman, the Department of Defense wants final say.
So every item's checked by these two guys in here.
Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.
[ Teletype Machines Typing ]
- [ Muffled Talking ] - That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.
He's impeccably clean.
This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin.
He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.
Sir, l-I really don't think that you want to use any of those records, sir.
- We have a selection right here that's prepared specifically-- - Hey, hey!
I've been looking forward to meeting you. Listen, could you do me a favor?
- Can you say something funny right this minute? - I doubt it.
[ Guffawing ] I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.
Let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?
I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny.
Don't get me wrong. He seems like a nice guy.
But my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either.
I wish someone would explain this one to me. You're on the air in about ten seconds.
Nine, eight, seven, six--
Hey, this has been "Fiction and Fact" from Marty Lee's almanac.
And now, direct from Crete,
welcome the silky-smooth sound of Airman Adrian Cronauer.
$$ [ Flute ]
[ Loud ] Go-oo-ood morning, Vietnam!
Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll.
Time to rock it from the delta to the D.M.Z.!
Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie?
$ Viva, Da Nang Oh, viva, Da Nang $
$ Da Nang me, Da Nang me Why don't they get a rope and hang me $
Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late.
It's 0600. What's the "O" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early.
Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz?
Thank you, Marty, for "silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee.
"Good morning, Vietnam"? What the heck is that supposed to mean?
I don't know, Lieutenant. I guess it means, good morning, Vietnam.
And who gave anyone permission to program modern music?
- Freddy and the Dreamers! - [ Slow Speed ]
[ lmitating Slow Speed ] Wrong Speed. We've got it on the wrong speed.
For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right.
Let's put her right back down. Let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up.
[ lmitating High Speed ] Let's get it up on 78. [ Babbling ]
Those pilots are going, "l really like the music. I really like the music."
Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute.
Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better.
[ lmitating Speaking Backwards ] Freddy is a devil.
Ohh! [ Twilight Zone Theme ]
Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound.
He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarized zone.
[ Twilight Zone Theme Continues ]
All right. Hey, what is this "demilitarized zone"? What do they mean, "police action"?
Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, "You know, she looks pretty to me."
Hey, whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a cup of cappuccino.
What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz.
[ High-Pitched Voice ] Oh, no, don't go in there.
$ Oh-we-oh Ho Chi Minh $
[ High, Shaky Voice ] Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon.
You're among the little people now.
[ Munchkin Voice ] $ We represent the ARVN Army The ARVN Army $
Oh, no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail.
"Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" Oh, my God. It's the wicked witch of the north.
It's Hanoi Hanna!
"Now, little G.I., you and your little "tune-ooh" too!"
[ Cackling ]
[ Female Voice ] "Oh, Adrian. Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?"
Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it now.
[ Laughs ] Uh, you know, he's really funny.
He's like a Marx brother.
Which Marx brother would that be, Private? Zeppo?
-I don't find him funny at all. -Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat?
Hey, what's your name? "My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt."
Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in? "I'm stationed in Poontang."
Well, thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there?
"It's hot. Damn hot! Real hot!
Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking."
Tell me what it feels like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again!
Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot!
I saw-- It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames.
It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?"
What do you think it's going to be like tonight? "It's gonna be hot and wet!
That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle."
Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now.
"Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes! You know what I mean!
[ "Nowhere To Run To" ]
Whew. Too much?
[ Laughing ] Thank you, Marty. "Silky-smooth sounds."
Get outta here.
- Got to be with you on top all the time - $ Nowhere to hide $
$ Got nowhere to run to, baby $
$ Nowhere to hide $
$ It's not love I'm a-runnin' from $
$ It's the heartbreak I know will come $
-$ 'Cause I know you're no good for me $ -[ Shouting ]
-$ But you've become such a part of me $ -[ All Yelling ]
$ Everywhere I go Your face I see $$
That is not what we program here!
- [ Song Fades, Ends ] - This is AFVN, rockin' ya from the delta to the DMZ.
AFVN-- better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot.
- We're movin' on right now. - [ "l Get Around" by The Beach Boys ]
- $ I get around, From town to town $ - Here's a riddle for you.
What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts? [ lmitates Buzzer ]
- Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery. - $ I get around $
$ I'm gettin' bugged drivin' up and down the same old strip $
$ I got to find a new place where the kids are hip $
[ Radio ] Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer.
I'm on again at 1600. Why? Because I have to. It's the Army.
We're talking out in the field today. Hi, what's your name?
"My name's Bob Fliber!" Bob, what do you do? "I'm in artillery!"
Can we play anything for you? "Anything! Just play it loud! Okay?"
- $ I'm makin' real good bread $ - $ Get around, 'round, 'round I get around $
$ I get around, 'round $
$ Get around, 'round, 'round oh $$
I have to admit something. I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba.
Whoo! Thank you. [ Laughing ]
"Those girls are just so pretty." Gomer, are you here in Vietnam?
"Yes, I am. Surprise, surprise, surprise!"
Lyndon, why did you name your daughter "Lynda Bird"?
"'Cause Lynda Dog would be too cruel." [ Barks ] Easy, girl.
"You know, if you pick 'em up by their ears, it doesn't hurt 'em as much."
Oh, you're goin' straight to hell for that one!
Watch out o'er there! Here's an incredible coincidence.
Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders-- actually the same person?
You be the judge. Our lines are open. Something special now.
We've got our traffic report on the Ho Chi Minh trail. How's it goin' up there?
"Adrian, it's not goin' exactly well.
There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. There's horns everywhere.
We're gonna drop a little napalm there and try 'n cook 'im down.
Have a little barbecue."
- $ The purpose of a man is to love a woman $ - [ Helicopter Blades Whirring ]
$ And the purpose of a woman is to love a man $
$ So come on, baby, Let's start a new day Come on, baby, let's play $
$ The game of love, love La-la-la-la-la love $ $
We've got a special man in the audience today. It's Mr. Leo.
He's a fashion consultant for the Army. "I'm just happy to be here.
I want to tell you something. This whole camouflage thing doesn't work very well."
Why is that? "Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you.
It's like wearing stripes and plaid. I want to do something different.
You go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash.
- You know what I mean?" - $ Come on, baby, The time is right $
$ Love your daddy with all your might $
Thank you for that lovely tune. That funky music will drive us 'til the dawn.
Let's boogaloo 'til we puke.
That's about it for the Adrian Cron Hour.
I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat, but I'm gonna turn you over...
to Mr. Excitement, a man with limp, damaged hair, but nevertheless a fireball,
Dan Levitan!
[ Fanfare ]
This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly,
Dan "The Man" Levitan.
Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area...
and thanks so much for joining us.
[ All Cheering ]
Y eah! Y eah!
Y eah, he's funny! I know funny. This guy is funny!
- [ Chattering Continues ] - Sensational!
- At ease! - Hell, we already are.
Just cool your tongue, Airman, because I intend to take issue with your performance.
First of all, don't make fun of the weather here.
And don't say that the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not.
- In fact, it's two degrees cooler today than yesterday. - Two degrees cooler?
- [ Gasps ] Me without my muff. - [ Dreiwitz Guffawing ]
- Muff! I tell you, this guy's funny. - I'm trying to run a meeting.
You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me.
I am a lieutenant, and I would like salutes occasionally.
That's what being a higher rank is all about.
Second--
- Second-- - Programming taste.
Programming taste.
Frankly, I found your "l love a police action" remark way out of line.
How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam...
with a glass of cappuccino coffee?
Well, I was-- It just comes up. I was trying to be funny.
- Funny is good. Funny is good. - Yeah.
But then do it by using comedy and humor,
not police action and coffee remarks.
Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music,
not wild stuff.
Those we would find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk,
Jim Nabors, Mantovani.
- Percy Faith. - Percy Faith. Good!
Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
- Would Bob Dylan be out of line? - Way, way, way out of line.
Out of there.
- Former V.P. Richard Nixon will arrive here this week. - [ Garlick Giggles ]
Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the P.C.
- He likes to say P.C. instead of press conference. - And if you do--
- The lieutenant loves to abbreviate. - And if you do...
happen to speak with him, please be polite and to the point at all times.
- Affirmative, sir. - "Affirmative, sir." Good.
Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
- Why not? - He doesn't play police actions, just wars.
- Bob likes a big room, sir. - [ All Laughing ]
That is not funny!
How about if it escalated?
- How about if what escalated? - The Vietnam conflict.
The Vietnam conflict.
We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big-name comedian!
We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez.
I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th.
- Is that date firm? - I got it from my niece.
This is not the Catskills. Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys.
- Don't dick around. - Oh, we tried, but their agent says...
they're still on the beach and they won't be off the sand 'til November! Ba-da-bang!
Didn't somebody wearing my uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to myself...
just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?
Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep.
-The former V.P. will be here on Friday. -[ Garlick Laughing ]
I expect every minute of the V.P.'s P.C. to be taped and broadcast...
within 12 hours of his arrival.
Something funny, Garlick? Well, perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us.
No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir.
Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P.,
shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T., 'cause if it leaks to the V.C.,
he could end up an M.I.A., and then we'd all be put on K.P.
[ Coughs ]
- I would like to leave the room now. - Oh, yes, sir.
[ All Laughing, Hooting ]
- [ Laughing Continues ] - Oh, what a guy.
[ Dreiwitz ] If you d-d-d-do--
- And if you do-- - [ All ] And if you do--
Eddie Kirk here,
and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments.
I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.
Three, maybe four, back-to-back Ray Conniff classics.
- [ "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" ] - [ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Garlick ] We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's.
[ People Chattering ]
This is the place where we like to hang out, sir.
Real homey, in an opium kind of way.
- Earl! Earl! Earl! - That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place.
Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
- Now you say hi to me, then you smile. - [ Together ] Hi.
Hey, you two Earl. What about a couple of beer?
We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy.
- Are either of our names "Earl"? - He calls everybody Earl.
Is it me, or is Jimmy light in the loafers?
Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.
He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor.
- For three years he's been trying. - Walter Brennan?
You know, Walter Brennan from The Real McCoys, the TV show?
Anyway, there's this guy from the First Battalion, Second lnfantry,
who swore he could get him naked photographs of the actor.
I've been trying to tell him that it's no-go, but he won't listen to me.
- Oh, God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan. - Here's your beer.
- Thank you, Jimmy. - Right.
Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?
No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy.
- He look good to me. - [ Garlick Giggling ]
- [ Muttering ] - Ba Muy Ba beer best beer in Vietnam.
Ba Muy Ba beer only beer in Vietnam.
Try it.
- Oh, what happened? - What happened?
Formaldehyde. We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavor.
Some people get sick, yeah.
So if you have to be rushed to a hospital, then when you return,
- I give you a free salad. - Well, that seems fair. It really does.
- You'll get used to it. - Maybe.
There she is.
- Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down. - Where you go?
- Hunt is on. - What is wrong?
-Gotta catch her before she accelerates. -You can't go yet.
You have to try my spicy chicken.
Hi. How's Lynn doing?
I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo.
Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee. Tea would fall into that category.
I not think be...
not correct of way. Please. Okay?
- What did she just say? - [ Speaks Vietnamese ]
- She said no, sir. - But, Edward, I'm in love. You think she likes seafood?
Um-- She's getting away. Edward, Edward, get the Jeep! Get the Jeep!
Okay. It-It's blocked in by a truck.
- You stay here, sir. I'll talk to the guys. - We don't have time. Taxi!
- We'll buy bikes. Se habla Yiddish? - We won't buy bikes.
- There's actually no rubber on these tires. - Oh, picky, picky.
- Let's go, Edward! Yaah, the chase! Ah-ha! - [ Bells Ringing ]
Sir! Sir, we have to get some dignity here! A little dignity.
Sir! This is-- This is not safe, sir!
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Bell Ringing ]
Sir!
- Sir! Sir! - [ Horn Honking ]
[ Motor Humming ]
[ Horn Honking ]
- Good afternoon, class. - [ Students Together ] Good afternoon, Mr. Sloan.
Last time, our last class, we read chapter three.
You should've gotten the one with the training wheels, pal.
I was almost killed.
A truck's bumper was this far from my nose.
My whole life passed before my eyes,
and it wasn't even interesting to me.
How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?
[ Mr. Sloan ] I want to buy some butter and some cheese, please.
It zoomed right by, just like the way they say it does.
Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds from my dad's dichondra plants,
arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage.
Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull.
- I find that very alarming. - Edward, stay with me on this.
- How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me? - You're not.
This is a different culture.
You would need specific family-sanctioned introductions in order to talk to this girl.
- Shh! Listen. - We read not having in book.
It read-- read for my...
- the book. - I've never heard rhymes like that.
I've got to be with her, at least 'til she learns my name.
- You think the teacher would be able to date her? - Possibly.
- But you would need very... - That's just what I wanted to hear.
specific... introductions.
[ Mr. Sloan ] What we're going to talk about today is shopping.
Shopping for dinner, and the things you buy during your shopping trip.
Specifically-- Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Y es, I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die.
I don't think you understand me, Sparky. [ Clears Throat ]
It's all yours. You got it.
Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer.
I'd like to get to know all of you by having you write down your name, address...
and your home and work phone on a piece of paper and passing it forward.
Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You not supposed to be in here.
I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel.
First thing I'd like to know is, what subject this is.
- Is it English? - Yes, it is.
And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing.
Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language.
Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call:
"My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble. Hey-nah, my boyfriend's back."
Can we try that one?
Can we try, "My boyfriend's back"? Anybody?
This is not for you.
Why do I feel like the Miracle Worker up here?
Uhh-- Uhh--
- This is a nightmare. - Uh, I don't know dick.
Even saying that means I don't know dick.
I can't really teach English. That's what Sgt. Sloan's going to do when he comes back.
I can only tell you how you can talk on, maybe, the real streets of America.
Like, if you're walking on the streets of New Y ork and someone says, "Hey!
Excuse me. I would like to buy some cheese and some butter."
- No. No, come on. - [ Laughing ]
Basically, we talk, "Hey, man, what's happening? Slip me some skin."
If someone in America comes up and says, "Slip me some skin," don't be afraid.
They're not a leper, and they're not going to go-- [ Grunting ]
It means, "Hey, baby, slip me some skin." It's a greeting.
It's like, "Nice to meet you. Slip me some skin."
Here's how you do it. You say, "Slip me some skin." Put your hand out there.
Then you go, "Yeah, there's some skin." Now you do it to me.
Yeah! Then you say, "Groovy. Yeah."
- Say that. - Groovy.
- Yes! - [ Laughing ]
Baby!
If something's really nice, you say, "It's groovy."
Doesn't mean you're going like, "yo-o-o!" No. It means "groovy."
Try that one. Say, "Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove."
[ Heavy Accent ] Hey, baby, wh-what's happening? Let's groove.
[ Bell Ringing ]
- See you later. - Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you.
- Well, I'm liking you too. - Thank you.
- You teach, uh, uh, American thing, okay? - Okay.
- Play game of softball. - Okay, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment.
- You forget the girl. - Oh, I'll let her say no.
She is say no. That is what walking away from you means.
I'm interested in the girl. I'm not interested in you playing Dear Abby.
I know because she's my sister.
I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album. Come on.
- I not like you, sir. - Why not?
I got a great personality. You ask anybody.
You phony, like American and French before you.
Here to get something, leaving when you not get it.
You come into my class, so maybe we like you.
- You come for the girl. You won't get her. You go. - Okay, Sherlock.
Yeah, I bribed my way to meet the girl. You got me, bang.
But hey, I like the class. I'm gonna stay. Let's be friends, okay?
- Come on. Come on. - You like me because of my sister.
No, I like you because you're honest, because you're shorter than I am.
We look like a before and after picture. Let me buy you a beer.
Sometimes your face look like a fish in the Gulf of Thailand.
It's very true. That's an insult, isn't it?
You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my sister.
I know Americans.
See a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car...
and they buy her some expensive food and then lie about money.
- And then try and take her into a bed. - What's wrong with that?
It's more devout here.
- Is there any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhea? - You wanting some?
What the hell is this?
Oh, she pour Nuoc Mahmm noodle soup with fish ball.
- Didn't know they had balls. - Eat.
Eat. I can't. It's still paddling.
No, it okay. I not tell you okay otherwise. You like it.
You see? You don't trusting me.
I trust you, man. It's just I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool.
You mad I not trust you, but truth, you not trust me.
You want be my friend, you trusting me. You eat it.
Hey, I w-- I'll be-- I wanna be your pal. Here, okay. I'll eat it.
Dig in. Mm-hmm.
- [ Grunts ] Shit! God! - [ Laughing ]
Oh! Hot! My-- Ow! Shit!
- This stuff is burning the hair off my feet! - Hot?
Hot? No. It's fuckin' great.
[ Laughing ]
- She say it's a little spicy. - A little, yeah.
- lsn't that funny? You like that too? - [ Continues Laughing ]
A little of this? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! She likes The Three Stooges.
Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!
- Oh, you are being silly. - [ Coughs ] Ohh!
- You old enough for this place? - I think so.
Hi, Earl! Good to see you again!
- Look at the new friend. - A little too young for you.
[ Laughing ] I want to show you something very nice.
- Oh, really? - It look wonderful.
- I can confide you? - Sure.
Look at the shape of that soldier's ankle,
the way it so elegantly curve into his boot.
Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar.
[ Laughs ] You're a very sick man. You know that, don't you?
- Thank you. - [ Chuckling ]
Oh, God.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon,
- Adrian Cronauer! - [ Applause, Cheering ]
- [ Tapping Glasses ] - Not enough for the car.
- What happened with the girl? - It didn't work out.
I want to introduce you to someone right now from my English class.
- This is Tuan. The guys. - [ All ] Hey, Tuan!
- Guys, Tuan. - Hey, pull up a floor here.
Hi, Tuan. Long time no "twee." Ba-dum.
- That's terrible. - [ Garlick ] Those are gorgeous gals.
I've-- I'll never have them.
I've always wanted girls like that, but always had trouble, especially as a young child.
Who the hell gets laid as a young child? Stop calling them "gals."
Cowgirls are called gals. Those are gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls.
Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right?
[ Garlick ] Can you believe the shape of those gals-- girls?
The one in blue.
Those behinds were designed by a Jewish scientist in Switzerland, Dr. Feintush.
- Dr. Heimlich Feintush. - We're trying to figure out how to meet them,
- but nobody can come up with any good lines. - Hey, man, try this one.
Girls, girls! Come on over.
Pardon me, girls? Excuse me, girls? Hello.
Hello! Come on. Y es.
Here she comes Miss Southeast Asia
- We're not supposed to fraternize with these girls. - Here she comes right now
It says so in the memo. "No fraternizing with these girls."
Forget memos. These are pretty women coming.
- Here she comes - [ All Laughing ]
- [ Man ] This way, please. - Hi.
Hello, I'm William Holden.
[ Man ] Oh. Ohh! Bingo.
[ Cronauer ] Merry Christmas. If you believe in Santa--
- How come I don't get one? - Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show.
What's your name? My name is Levitan. Can you say that?
Hey, who brought in the gook?
I said, who brought in the fuckin' gook?
[ Conversation Stops ]
[ Girl ] I love you.
- [ Cronauer ] A khaki eclipse. - I better go now.
I did. Hey, come on now.
You kick out the gooks, next you have to kick out the chinks, spics, spooks, kikes.
All that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain-dead rednecks.
- What fun would that be? - Now's when they stop talking.
- Come on. Let me buy you a couple of beers. - Are you crazy?
- I might be-- - Shut up! Get him outta here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on now.
- You gotta prove something, knocking around little kids? - This is a G.I. bar.
We don't like gooks here. You just get him out!
[ Laughs ] Everybody say "gook," but it's all right.
- Jump in anytime, okay? - We're there.
I got to tell you something, you know?
I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people.
I have never in my travels come across a man as large as you,
with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis.
Ooh!
He mean that as a compliment!
Oh, shit!
- That's it for you, asshole! - [ Cronauer Y ells ]
- Call police, quick! - [ People Y elling ]
[ Grunting, Y elling ]
- [ Man On Speaker, Faint ] - Talk.
These two behemoths were physically abusing a Vietnamese national.
- Since we were here to defend their coun-- - So you start a brawl.
Turn the place upside-down. Real intelligent solution.
Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look to have a man under my command...
start a fucking bar brawl?
You're not gonna last long here, pal.
- You can always send me back to Crete. - Oh, you think this is a joke?
I can come up with alternatives other than Crete. I'm real good at stuff like that.
I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet.
You don't think I can come up with something good?
- Can you envision some unattractive alternatives? - Not without slides.
A bar brawl. That's one, Cronauer.
You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything.
You better not even come within range of anything that happens...
or your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower.
- Am I being fairly clear? - Y es, sir.
"Sir"? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer?
- What does three up and three down mean to you? - End of an inning?
Sergeant Major.
Now, you get the hell out of here right now.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Humming "Reveille" ]
[ Cronauer ] Jesus. Enough. Please, I'm-- Bag it!
Wake up, Mr. Sleepy Head. You are late.
Gentlemen, what can I say but "hiya."
- Hiya. - Hiya.
Okay, which one of you guys is throwing his voice?
[ Cronauer ] Oh, censor, censor, censor. Join the Army and mark things.
Hey, come on. What kind of news are you leaving me there?
- Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie. Come on. - [ Knocking On Glass ]
Come on. You're on in, like, two seconds.
[ Dreiwitz ] It's time for Adrian Cronauer.
Go-oo-ood morning, Vietnam!
Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day.